The Therapy Gods Are Undefeated | Season Two: Episode 3
Disclaimer:
I speak openly about my experience dealing with grief in a romantic relationship context. I refer to people and locations using the word [Redacted].
Observations (continued)
#3. The Work
I dove in with grit and persistence.
Addressing the issues and connecting the dots within us is a lifelong process with no shortcuts. It’s not nearly as fun as using anything else as a distraction. The upside is that spending time in hard internal conversations is actually dealing with your sadness.
I had some secondary gain in doing this work — I enjoy reading and discussing mental health as my favorite form of casual conversation. That didn’t make anything less painful.
The work became more like tanks of oxygen for me to use to regulate panic, grief, and anxiety.
I became curious about the sensitivity of each sensation I was experiencing, where it lived in my body, and — more importantly — what I needed to do to move out of states of dysregulation. In the fall of 2022, you couldn’t find a leaf in the cul-de-sac or a driveway that wasn’t cleared of ice and snow.
#4. The Atomic Bomb
I could not have prepared for the first shattering of the story I had been telling myself — the one that preserved any sense of peace or love between us as a couple.
The act of betrayal removed the need to believe so many lies just to stay focused, as mentioned in step #2. You are anointed with the energy of “F**k Forever You” to carry you through the other side. I clung to that energy like Garfield suction-cupped to the back of a car window.
A single moment of misunderstanding is so poisonous that it makes us forget a hundred lovable moments within a minute.
— Unknown
#5. Results Vary
There is no timeline — and that’s a good thing. I needed time to update the parts of me that determine who I trust and who truly loves me.
Process is greater than penance. Shame, blame, and self-punishment brought no healing. Pointing fingers brings zero comfort or change. Save your breath for the panic attacks in Trader Joe’s — when you’re convinced you’ll see your ex with someone else, telling her everything you once heard. Also, shoutout to the employee at Trader Joe’s.
I became mindful of how fast I tried to move on. This is a long road, with consistent highs and lows and no warning signs for incoming thoughts or feelings. Having a good day or two doesn’t mean you’re healed — it means you had two good days.
This all sucks. Please be gentle.
Sending the biggest hug and support to anyone in this season of life. I’m here to remind you that you deserve a better way to be loved — not just in a relationship, but also by you.
Coming up next: a personal story about where I found myself — and the mystery I didn’t expect to discover on the other side of healing.
That Friend Katie