I have two metaphors that continue to prove appropriate year after year, describing how I process the world and am wired to make changes throughout my life: the imagery of slamming a folding chair against something to shut it down and the second being a kite in the wind.
I identify as a spiritual person and have found perfect peace, borrowing from many religions and faiths that create a healthy relationship between God and me. For example, when I look at Jesus in the Christian faith, my favorite story is when he went into the temple where people have set up shops selling all sorts of odds and ends — some flea market-type situation vibes, I am sure. Jesus went up in there pissed with zero tolerance for disrespect! He started flipping over tables, and I was like; Yes, J! GET IT– LET’S GO!!! That’s my version of Jesus I lean in on. Passionate. Aggressive. He was advocating for the minority, creating CHANGE. Instead of shouting Amen, I’m more in the chorus with Yes!👏 Get 👏Them.👏 Jesus- Get.👏 Them! In case you were wondering, I was in a choir of 1. It was just me.
My tolerance as I become aware of behavior that leads to patterns, which do not serve me living my best life, I become locked in and ready to shut (insert issue here) down. If there is a door of doubt that I finally become aware of the reason for what’s stopping me, I will take a folding chair and slam it open, slam it shut, or whatever is needed so I can break through the cycle! The forces I use figuratively are therapy, journaling, meditation, and even people’s feedback. I can’t see what I don’t know. When I trust the relationships nearest to me and am open-minded, I have been able to take loving feedback to life-changing awakenings.
For as many years as I can look back on my life, I have described seeing my circumstances as a kite floating in the wind, sometimes embracing calmer skies and others not so friendly to my kite. Recently, I was sitting outside journaling, and I thought I had never pictured what was below the kite – more importantly, the string and who was holding it.
Growing up, I lived my life entering one situation and leaving the next without noticing many, if any, transitions between seasons. I trusted this way of living, as if oh *it* would all work out, believing in nothing more than that the solution to my problems would eventually present itself. I also spent most of my adult life this way, feeling stuck and incomplete, unable to make the best decisions for my self-worth and livelihood.
As I have become more capable of weaving my behaviors and past experiences, I have noticed that I can, at any time, pull my string and not embrace the winds and skies. I always had power. I was operating in a frozen state, trapped around doubt, self-worth, confidence, etc., without realizing it, until my late 30’s.
Indeed, like others might find in their walk through life, getting to the point where I could stand up for myself and claim, with the resounding thunder of a folding chair slamming shut doors that suffocated my strengths, dreams, and self-worth, isn’t always a straightforward journey.
I hope to show you through this blog section: The Therapy Gods are Undefeated, all my skeletons in the closet, and the places where I buried the bones. I reached these breaking points once the phrase “I’m too old to change quickly” segued into “I’m too young just to die unused and unseen.” Unfortunately, it didn’t all happen as a quick switch flip.
I spent years and decades running from one thing to another, merely because I was uncomfortable and felt unqualified. Wasting time, precious resources, and mental energy in and out of crappy situations, a mix of relationships that fueled me, guided me, and those that drained me all in the name of surviving the cycle that felt normal. Processes are hard to break if you can’t realize that moving around isn’t the same as moving ahead. I let shame and a sense of unqualifiedness navigate my life until I lost my inner voice and purpose.
I started to wrestle with the woman I wanted to be and the woman I was becoming in my mid-30s, as I realized it was never, “I’m not good enough for you or that job or that college degree.” It: You/this/that ain’t for me, Sucka! So I set out to make radical changes that rolled out awkwardly, painfully, and slowly, until I returned to a baseline I could recognize after years of denying myself and my vision.
While easy to write those lines above and shake my fists in the air and call people Suckas, I still have remained human, forgetting my worth to fall into betraying myself for others’ benefit as if self-betrayal were an addiction as potent as heroin. I write and speak about these setbacks and positive upgrades in my life in a clear, loving, and truthful voice. I hope you are inspired to express yourself and your needs in ways that are uniquely and purposefully aligned with your growth.
You won’t find a formula for miracles on this blog. I provide a stepping stone to propel us to consider the next step in our healing, life direction, and growth. I share my authentic writing and creative content to empower and challenge you. I hope laughter and friendly messages will benefit us both.
I do hope that if all else fails for you in this blog, where you might not experience the burning desire to slam a folding chair against your demons, then I hope it gives you pause and grace to hold vigil for the ones around you who are boldly doing so and for the ones preparing to start.
Originally published: September 1, 2022